Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
