i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
