he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
tequila makes me forget i have legs
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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