ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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