My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Randomize
