did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Randomize
