Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Randomize
