I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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