True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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