Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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