That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
