How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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