You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
