the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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