I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
