and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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