oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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