i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
