You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Why can't burritos get me drunk
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
