you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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