Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
