all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
