You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
