I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
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