My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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