Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
