I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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