I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
