The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
