You can't motorboat a personality
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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