apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
