After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I don't deserve a penis
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
