I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
