I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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