Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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