i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
