I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
