The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
