Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
