someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
