I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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