I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
