Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I am naked and annoyed.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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