Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
