Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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