she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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