When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
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I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
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We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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