Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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