if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
its liver damage thursday
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
