When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
