Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
