All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
