Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
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I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
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I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
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