I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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