I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
