Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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